Assertiveness

Christian Working Woman Transcript

Tuesday, November 27, 2007 - Is Assertiveness Acceptable?

Assertiveness is a trait required of leaders or anyone trying to accomplish a job. But where are the lines drawn for Christians, especially for women?

There were four women in Scripture who were noticeably assertive: Deborah, Esther, the Proverbs 31 woman, and Lydia. One thing is obvious about these four women: they were effectively assertive in different ways. Each woman asserted herself within the framework of her own personality and her own particular circumstances. You'll discover the same is true of men.

Our assertiveness should be tailored to who we are and what we're facing. It is not so much a male/female question as it is a question of following biblical standards. God doesn't make cookie-cutter Christians. We're all different, and we need to take that into consideration when assertiveness is required of us. Appropriate assertiveness for you will be different than it is for me, but for both of us as Christians it should be Christ-like.

I remember one particular situation when I was assertive for the right reason, but at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and out of character with my own personality. In a meeting with my peers and manager, I made a very assertive, strong statement in opposition to an unfair accusation by my manager against the people who reported to me. But my timing was poor, and I allowed myself to get involved in a situation at which I'm not very good–unexpected confrontation.

Later on I would have had an opportunity to effectively object to the unfair accusations, but at that time in that way it was not effective, just angry. I'm sure that confrontation did not strengthen my Christian testimony either. I failed to follow the guidelines of keeping within the context of the circumstances and my own personality.

So, it's important that we are assertive when it is appropriate, but it's equally important that we learn to use assertiveness sparingly and in balance with the circumstances and our personalities. So much depends on timing, on choice of words, on tone of voice, and on motivation.

You know the timing is wrong if you're in what I call "react" mode. That's when your emotions are strong and you are not likely to be in control of what you say. I'm trying to learn to recognize my own "react" modes better, get out of them quicker, and keep my mouth shut while in that react mode.

And remember, you may be right in voicing your opinion or speaking up assertively, but if it's the wrong choice of words or the wrong tone of voice, it won't work. And if you are asserting yourself for simply selfish reasons or because your feelings have been hurt, the motivation is suspect.